Gary Green: February 2006

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

...When I Got My Dallas Trading Cards From E-bay and They Smelled Weird

I know they're old (circa 1982), but what rotting corpse coat pocket did the seller pull these out of? I'm gonna run them home and spray them with the last of my Calkin Klein Obsession before I start on the hand-crafted hickory display case. My favorite card is the one of Linda Gray, at the height of her tragically fragile, lower-lip pouting Sue Ellen beauty, wearing her whsipy colored polka-dot Ann Taylor dress while she fingers her slut of a sister Kristin for plugging her varmit husband in the Ewing Oil building, in an epsiode that simultaneously made me want to work in television and started me on my two-years-in-the-making "Dallas scrapbook," which really distinguished me from all the other kids in my fifth grade class, let me tell you!

Right now, SoapNet is airing Season 11, and I'm of course taping every episode, but the show has long since fallen from its height of taut pot-boiler storytelling. JR ends up marrying some little 20 year old trailer trash harpie, Sue Ellen becomes a movie producer (huh?), and in the never-ending mission to drive younger and younger demographics to their television sets, the producers make the brilliant decision to add George Kennedy to the cast... GEORGE KENNEDY!!, who was like ninety years old when he made Airport '73! He grumbles around with some mysterious chip on his shoulder for half a season, steals all the water from the Southfork Ranch, and then basically goes on to stink up the last three years of the show, with help from late additions Susan Lucci and Barbara Eden. It's getting harder and harder to sit through these episodes, even skimming through the commercials. Sorry, Lar.

3:28 PM | Permalink |

Sunday, February 26, 2006

...When I'm Winding Up a Day of Watching Alfred Hitchcock Presents and Preparing to Meet Michael at Marix Where I'll Yet Again Break Atkins...

This man was hetero. Every word of the story screams it! - Twickles

Michael informed me the other night he's decided he'll never write a novel. He forgot to mention to me that he ever inteded to write one in the first place. - Google Results

Twice I've gone to the Saddle Ranch Chop House on Sunset, the only country-western bar in Los Angeles that isn't gay, and twice now I've been too lily-livered to ride the bull - Saddle Ranch

Tomorrow is the first day of taping for I've Got a Secret. Looks like GSN is bringing back the original to prime you all for 4/17/06 - GSN

Dear Mister Don Knotts... although I think The Andy Griffith Show is a terrible bore, I will never tire of The Ghost and Mister Chicken, The Reluctant Astronaut, The Apple Dumpling Gang, Hot Lead and Cold Feet and The Incredible Mister Limpet. Will The Private Eyes with you and Tim Conway ever be released on DVD? - Unofficial Fan Site

6:15 PM | Permalink |

Friday, February 24, 2006

...When You Were a Kid in the 70's And You Saw a Lot of This Girl

Do you know this girl? If you're anywhere near my age and didn't live in a well when you were a kid, you do. Sure, it's Lucy Winters! She invites Jan and Peter to her birthday paty! Jan fears she has no personality, and void of any intellegent idea to remedy the situation, shells out for a curly black Joanne Worley-theme wig. Lucy, thinking it's a gag when Jan shows up, humiliates her and invites all the kid actor extras to come over for laughing and pointing (but not uttering anything close to real words because then the producers would be contractually obligated to buy them lunch... I'm getting off the point).
Anyway, this girl was on EVERY FREAKING SHOW in the sixties and seventies. Seriously, I think the Screen Actors Guild had some kind of "Lucy Winters" clause they forced on productions. Star Trek, Family Affair, Lassie, Brady Bunch (more than once, too! Aside from the wig humiliation scene, I think she's the girl who misses the garbage can and Bobby the Nark-Ass Safety Monitor brains her with a 7-UP bottle). She had a very peculiar tone in her voice, or maybe it was the way she spoke. Kind of chipmuk-ish. Boy, did I have the hots for her bad. I knew I wanted to meet her. I wanted to get to her. But I didn't know what I wanted to do with her once I got her. As I was probably about nine at the time, I'm sure it was something like wanting to kiss her and drive in a car with her, get hot dogs and pet the cat together. That was sex to me then.
Stay with me because there's a point.
I never was able to remember this girl's name, but she pops into my head all the time. Today, I read a headline saying "Ex-Child Star Says U.S. Targeting Animal Group to Chill Free Speech," I click it and low and behold I'm suddenly face-to-face with my lost love of twenty years! Check out her unofficial web page which is way more detailed than the official one. I had totally forgotten about the cheesy Saturday morning show Space Academy with her and the guy who played Dr. Smith on Lost in Space.
So. what is she doing now? Sadly, it's dull, dull, dull. She's an animal-rights nut and she voices a character on an animated Disney Show. She's basically Alicia Silverstone in twenty years. I'd still like to meet her though, just to hear that chipmunk voice again. She sends me.

Oh, by the way, her name is Pamela Ferdin, for any other geeky 70's tv-obsessed fags out there.

2:33 PM | Permalink |

...While I'm Eating Pizza at My Desk

Shrinky Dinks Go in the Microwave - KDKA

Wow, the two girls in my office think Nick Auger is hot, but I can't figure out why - Queerty

When sending marijuana through the mail, be sure to write your return address really really really small so police have to look super hard to figure out where to go to arrest you - ABC

12:37 PM | Permalink |

...When You're Shopping For Others

For That Office Mate Who Never Shuts Up - Victory!

For Bob Barker - Pet Population Control

For The Man Who Has Everything - Freshpair.com

If Only You Could Buy Chad Michael Murray - - The Malcontent

10:30 AM | Permalink |

Thursday, February 23, 2006

...When You're Lip-Diddling

I Only Have Thirteen Years to Live! See How Much Longer You're Meant for this World, and Learn What BMI stands for - Deathclock.com

OJ Simpson Was Considered for the Role of the Terminator, but was Passed Over Because He Wasn't Threatening Enough - NotStarring.com

Katie's Cramming for Her Scientology Finals - The Sun

A Very High Dog - Compfused

10:07 PM | Permalink |

...When Burt Ward Made Me a Man

Burt Ward's Robin still gets me horny, even twenty years after my first run-in with puberty. I was watching Batman down the street with my friend Chandra Whitehead. Chandra lived with her grandfather and sometimes wet her pants. I liked playing with her, and I used to ask her to marry me every day. She would always say yes, and then I would drag her to a mirror so we could practice posing for our wedding photos for an hour. We were eating peaches and milk out of paper bowls and watching an episode where Julie Newmar sticks Robin in the neck with a venom-laced needle, transforming him from angelic do-gooding sidekick to lecherous sex-hungry lady-killer. He broke out this hip-swinging strut and started licking the tips of his front teeth. I had to slide the paper bowl over my crotch. Then it got worse. Batman came into the scene and Robin tried to fight him, but Batman knocked him out and slung him over his shoulders. I was hypnotized watching those nude boy wonder legs swinging back and forth, and at the same time totally embarrassed by what was going on in my pants. I told Chandra I had to go home and feed the dog. I doubt I ever proposed marriage to her again after that.

2:15 PM | Permalink |