Gary Green

Monday, July 31, 2006 

Reichen Lemkuhl and lance Bass

I hung out a bit with Reichen Lemkuhl when we were both auditioning to be panelists on "I've Got a Secret," and despite a lot of the blogger gossip, he actually was a nice guy, fairly quiet and unassuming, not cocky. At the time he was in the running (wearing what I will never forget thinking was the ugliest green shirt I'd ever seen anyone wear in public), there were only gay men auditioning, and there was a definite underlying vibe of competitiveness, and maybe just a hint of resentfulness directed towards him in the room (see my petty comment about the green shirt above).

I'll refrain from commenting on his level of competence as a game show panelist and television personalilty. After all, I didn't get on the damn panel either. And no one from Access Hollywood is banging on my door.

Here's his interview about the realtionship with Lance. The clock is now ticking on how long before this becomes the most tired, over-exposed couple on the gay planet.

By the way, if anyone has a pic of Lance dressed up as a banana from the Let's Make a Deal episode of Gameshow Marathon, please e-mail it to me.

UPDATE March 2007 - the video has been pulled, they've broken up, and Access Hollywood banged on my door last night and apologized for taking their own sweet time.


Ann Coulter Calls Al Gore a Fag on Hardball

... and Chris Matthews lets her do it.

GLAAD - "Take Action: MSNBC Airs Homophobic Slur on Hardball"


...When Bette Davis Kicks Faye Dunaway in the Teeth on The Tonight Show

No one's this honest anymore. Wonder what she'd have to say about Lindsay Lohan.

Friday, July 28, 2006 

...When Michael Granberry Showed Me What Was Inside His Box

Boyfriend extraordinaire has spent the last couple of days uploading several super-short clips onto the web that were originally intended to be used as "bumpers" for a local cable tv show called Refused TV.

He completed nine segments before being informed that Refused TV had been cancelled, and these little clips wound up with no homes of their own! They seem to work perfectly for internet audience consumption, which likes its laughs in small, bite-size portions.

You can check them out by going to the RED HATCHET FILMS MOVIE PAGE here. And please be sure to click on his sponsors' ads at the end of each film so he can take me to Disneyland!


...When No Animals Were Photoshopped in the Making of This Post

No. Z has not called Jenny yet.

Sometimes when it's late at night and I don't have any food, I look over at him and he dissolves into one of those roast turkeys you see in the old Tex Avery cartoons. But so far, I have managed not to act on it.

Thursday, July 27, 2006 

...When Lance Bass Did It the Hard Way

Um... really, you don't need to go to the trouble of peddling what all of the gay world and about 99.9% of the straight world have known since about 2001 to a magazine. Just do what I did. One quick taping of myself naked in the shower singing a television theme song from the seventies and you'll be surprised how quickly the "so why don't you have a girlfriend" questions evaporate into thin air. (fairly safe for work despite what the freeze frame may indicate)

THE BUNNY! (8 secs.)

"Oh, this one is sick. I'm sorry sometimes I even came up with it. Just be glad that you didn't!"

If you like what you see, click the ad at the end and send thirty cents into the pocket of my boyfriend, Michael Granberry, and his one-man animation company, Red Hatchet Films! Enjoy! (needs Quicktime)

Favorite Posts: The Little House on the Prairie Blind School Fire: A Celebration!

When Julie in My Office Revealed She Had No Idea Who Shot JR

When Soap Hunks Justin Bruening and Colin Egglesfield Took It Off on the Basketball Court

Monday, July 24, 2006 

Who Wore it Better?

Gary Green... or muggle-faced, mop-headed, pseudo-metro soap twink from Last Week's Young and the Restless?

YOU make the call!

(Hint - There is a correct answer!)

Recent Posts: Ten Things I Learned at the Miss Universe Pageant

When I Secretly Dreamed of Being a Fembot

When the Contestants Get Surly on The Price is Right

Sunday, July 23, 2006 

Ten Things I Learned at the Miss Universe Pageant

First Runner up my ass! Miss Japan, Kurara Chibana was my choice from the beginning. Well, at least she walked away with the Best National Costume Award, which everyone knows is just as good.

Thanks to my good friend, RumBunny, for taking this pic with her cel phone. I had to push a female Argentinian news reporter out of my way so she could get a good shot.

Ten Things I Learned at the Miss Universe Pageant

1.) In an effort to sound less sexist, the contestants are no longer referred to with the title "Miss." But this oddly made the proceedings rather dehumanizing as Nancy O'Dell and Carlos Ponce (hot!) were forced into objectifying declarations such as, "Korea, come over here!" and "Take a good look... this is Ghana!"

2.) Impressed with the fancy Miss Universe contestant choreography? Don't be. As they parade back and forth, revolving around one another, there's a guy at the edge of the stage with a microphone barking out, "Step! Step! Turn! Stop! Step! Step!" I don't know how that isn't heard during the broadcast.

There's also another guy right behind the camerman who wears white gloves and gives them hand gestures indicating when to walk, when to turn, when to stop, etc. He also gives an overly-broad double hand-sweep to the women who have just been eliminated to get the fuck off the stage and line up for their Cover Girl consolation gift bags.

3.) The opening "parade of the contestatns in their native garbs" montage was pre-taped at an earlier time, which sucked because I would have loved to have seen Miss Japan in her sexy ninja outfit and Miss USA in her naughty horse jockey with riding crop ensemble (though I'd hoped she'd be dressed as a giant firecracker like something out of Grease 2). I'm not even sure if that part was taped the same day, though we did see playback on the screens. The show is only "live" once they announce the final twenty, which has been decided before the broadcast begins by a preliminary judging panel.

And speaking of judges... a briefcase model from Deal or No Deal? Pete Sampras's wife? I'm sorry. Was the kid from Free Willy otherwise engaged?

4.) Nancy O'Dell never smiles unless the camera is on her. My sister thought she was pissed off about something, or maybe she was just getting her monthly bill. I stepped on the back of her dress at the VIP party and left a footprint on it.

5.) You can purchase Barbie-sized versions of the contestants in the lobby along with plastic tiaras and crowns, which I totally would have snapped up except my sister forgot to bring money for parking and I had to pony up. There are also all kinds of skanky mini-pageant winners in the audience wearing their crowns and their "Miss Southwest Vegetarian" and "Miss Teen San Joaquin Valley" sashes.

6.) There were LOTS of tipsy middle-aged men in cheap tuxes who, at every commerical break, would rush to the edge of the stage with their digital cameras and snap away at all the babes, tongues wagging, adding a classy "titty bar" touch to the whole affair.

7.) You can be blond, big-titted and spit out the threat "I'm with Trump. You don't want to do this to me!" as much as you want, but if you ain't got a VIP wristband, you ain't getting to the bar.

8.) Sorry, but Miss USA was a total plate head. Granted, it's hard to look good when you're asked "What is your greatest flaw?" but when they asked what the most inspiring place she'd ever visited was, she could have lied and said Tibet or Jerusalem or the house where Anne Frank hid. Those would have all gone over big. Instead, she said the most inspiring place she'd ever visited was... wait for it... Lake Tahoe!

I was never more ready to surrender my citizenship.

9.) My sister gave Dr. Julian Omidi, aka Dr. 90210 passes to the after-after party at The Standard Hotel and he thanked her, then told her she should come into his office sometime and he'll "do something" for her, which for half a second, didn't sound like "You need work done."

And number 10... Okay, I didn't actually learn ten whole things, but it's the Miss Universe pageant for god's sake! How much am I expected to take away from it?

And by the way, just for the record, my sister is very pretty and would have known how to answer the "most inspiring place you've ever visited" question with far more style and grace then Miss USA did, even if she'd been dressed up like a firecracker!

Saturday, July 22, 2006 

Spider Hunter!

Need a spider killed off? Damien's your man. Click on the image to watch him in action!

Friday, July 21, 2006 

...When the Reviews Are In

You have been warned.

"The portentous tone, glacial pacing, faux-mythic inspirational themes and Ed Wood-level dialogue are all present and accounted for, but his much-vaunted storytelling skills are nowhere to be found." The Star Telegram

"Lady in the Water challenges us to believe in the power of myth. But the big challenge here is surviving the tedium of Shyamalan's meandering inventiveness. What's supposed to be fanciful storytelling is really just audience punishment."

"The movie is a muddle, burdened with too many characters and a sorry lack of thrills, flair and coherence." Rolling Stone

"Shyamalan's most alienating and self-absorbed project to date." Entertainment Weekly

"Hollywood cannot pollute the ozone with anything more idiotic, contrived, amateurish or sub-mental than Lady in the Water." New York Observer

Not since Who's That Girl?, I tell ya!

... Night, Night!

Thursday, July 20, 2006 

...When I Secretly Dreamed of Being a Fembot

I know that, as a little boy, I was supposed to prefer football to the Oscars, Pam to Bobby, and the Six Million Dollar Man to The Bionic Woman. But aside from discovering how fast my propellors spun at the site of his hairy chest, there was really nothing Lee Majors was ever gonna be able to teach me. Plus The Six Million Dollar Man's storylines were always boring government spy tales: espionage, defecting Russians, pursuit of dull government papers, etc... while over at The Bionic Woman, Jamie Sommers would routinely investigate things like poltergeists, doomsday machines, vampires, haunted houses and of course, the FEMBOTS, the most terrifying creatures ever imagined.

Beautiful but deadly, shrewd and feminine on the outside, super-strength robotics and dangerous sharklike instincts on the inside. Could kiss a man and break his neck in the next second.

In short, everything I could ever hope to be in life.

This episode, "Kill Oscar," was part of a three-part fembot storyline. Back then, two-parters were par for the television course, but you knew the story was gonna be eye-popping riveting goodness if it took THREE WHOLE EPISODES to tell it. I mean, it was no longer just television, it was IMPORTANT! And The Six Million Dollar Man actually crossed-over in parts 2 and 3 to help Jamie. Unprecedented!

Jamie Sommers goes up against supervillain John Houseman, who has perfected his robotic female replicas. Their mission? Kidnap important secretaries in the OSI and assume their identities.

Houseman's ultimate goal was to hold the world ransom with his awe-inspiring weather-control device, able to whip up a Level 5 hurriane anyplace in the world within seconds. I'm not quite sure why, if he had such a phenomenal weapon as a weather device, he had to separately take time away to invent evil female robots as well, but I guess that's why I'm not a super-villain.

This episode scared me almost as much as the Little House blind school fire, and this scene, the climacitc battle that ended the first of the three parts is the reason why.

One small problem, it would seem that once Jamie Sommers knocked off the red head's face-plate, she could have just stuck a bic pen into all the wiring and short-circuited her. Hell, a glass full of club soda would have worked as well. But instead, Jamie chooses a window on a very high story of a building as her means of escape, to terribly unfortunate results, as you are about to see. Enjoy!


Two Generations of "I've Got a Secret"

Betsy Palmer (IGAS 1957-1967) and Frank Decaro (2006-??). Long may you reign, Frank!

Frank DeCaro Official Website
Frank Unmasks Weather Girl Martha Wash on "I've Got a Secret" (YouTube Vid)

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 

This is Why No One Knows the Name of the Third One

That's right. I'm saying it. She's the total Shelley Hack of the group. Thank God Beyone recovers to start the lip sync in time.

"Where you at... ? You on da floor, bitch!"


...When I Met Betsy Palmer, Also Known as Mrs. Voorhees

the 2006 Game Show Congress (yes, there is such a thing) was held last week in Burbank, the highlight being a live version of "What's My Line?" featuring the one and only Betsy Palmer, who sat on the panel of the original "I've Got a Secret" from 1957 to 1967.

To baby boomers, Betsy Palmer is probably best known for "Secret." For soap fans, she may be best known for her two seasons playing Aunt Ginny on "Knots Landing." There have also been numerous roles in television and feature films over the years.

But to anyone whose adolescent and teen years coincide with the 70's and 80's, Betsy Palmer is and always will be best known for hacking to death a half dozen horny camp counselors as the vengeful, knife-wielding Mrs. Voorhees in the original Friday the 13th (her son took over the killing in Part Deux).

She said she originally took the role which paid her $10,000 because she needed to buy a car, and of course, had no idea how memorable her portrayal of the seemingly benign and rather cooky groundskeeper would become. She was asked to re-create the role several times for sequels throughout the next 25 yeras, but always declined. Really, though, what could she do in any sequel that would top her grisly demise at the end of the original Friday the 13th? (innocent, viringal Adrienne Leon decapitates her in the woods with a rusty machette, and you know I didn't sleep that night!)

At eighty years old, she was still by far the sharpest member of the panel, and got the most laughs, especially when summing up mystery guest, Shirley Jones with the line, "Boy, are you an old one!" From the look on Shirley's face, Betsy was probably lucky there wasn't a rusty machette around. Incidentally, the B&W photo in the background is of "What's My Line's?" most celebrated panel configuration, Bennet Cerf, Arlene Francis and Dorothy Kilgalen, along with frequent rotating panelist Joey Bishop, and the show's host, John Charles Daly. It is now in my closet awaiting a suitable frame.

Monday, July 17, 2006 

Separated At Birth

The Devil Wears Prada's Miranda Priestly and a cat from my Sadistic Kitty post from yesterday. (Thanks Tejaz!)


My Cat Hates You

...but you probably get that a lot. Click here for a gallery of bad-ass felines that would send a pack of dobermans away in tears!

Visit What Jeff Killed, a site dedicated to Jeff The Giant Orange Cat and his favorite pastime: killing things.

Naked Shower Boys Singing MAUDE
Click Here for
Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo
Click Here for the naked shower salute to The Jeffersons theme song
Click Here to Watch Dominic Monaghan Taking a Shower

Friday, July 14, 2006 

...When Looking Back Certain Things About Me Were Just Plain Obvious

Click Here for Naked Boys Singing in the Shower

Sign that boy up for soccer fast!
Although, it does suit him. The panache is undeniable!

In truth, I can almost remember my mother TELLING ME TO POSE LIKE THAT, and when it comes time to picking out a nursing home, and it's a choice between a nice airy hospice in New Haven or a converted tire factory in Inglewood making monthly payoffs to the health inspector, I'll have my revenge

Very Cute Matty and His Very Cute Friends via Hunk duJour. Thanks Chris!

Today is Cow Appreciation Day!

Lance Bass Spotted at Gay Bar! In other earth-shattering news, my cats like to sleep, saran wrap often sticks to itself, and my neice got a haircut


The Sneeze

Very Cronenberg, wouldn't you say?

Sunday, July 09, 2006 

...When the Naked Boys Left Their Songbooks for Maude with Their Pants

Wet Talent #2, the naked shower salute to MAUDE, originally from ForTheBoys. Enjoy your Monday!

YouTubeLink to Wet Talent - MAUDE
Click Here for
Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo
Click Here for the naked shower salute to The Jeffersons theme song
Click Here to Watch Dominic Monaghan Taking a Shower

Saturday, July 08, 2006 

Oh My God.... Shoes (Kelly Likes Shoes)

Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo
Click Here for the naked shower salute to The Jeffersons theme song

If you're an obsessed, whatever-the-cost-give-them-to-me-now shoe whore with a penchant for cops with billy clubs, parents with party hats and flaming hula hoops, this is the video for you. You will be repeating the phrase "Oh my God, bitch. These shoes are mine." until your friends want to smack you with a week-old baguette.


...When I Don't Get the Overseas Fascination With All Things Sanrio

The Princess Kitty is finished in pink, with matching paint applied to the wheels. The Hello Kitty trademark ribbon logo is applied to the front doors and roof, while the rear doors get a "Princess Kitty" graphic with the lovable cartoon character's face.

Inside, occupants rest on pink-and-white striped seatcovers adorned with the "Princess kitty" logo. The headrest covers are the shape of Hello Kitty's head, complete with ribbon on the left ear. It may be the friendliest-looking kei car ever made. (via Scott-O-Rama)

Thursday, July 06, 2006 

...When You See the Still, You Know What it's Gonna Be, and if You Don't Like That Kind of Thing, You Should Just Move On (But the End is Real Funny!)

Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo
Click Here for the naked shower salute to The Jeffersons theme song

My cat looks just like this one, but isn't nearly as enlightened (or clumsy). I love that kitty gets to make a big entrance. I like to make big entrances, too! And kitty totally goes out on a high note as well. Always leave 'em wanting more, Fluffy!

Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo.
Click Here for the naked shower salute to The Jeffersons theme song


...When Dominic Monaghan Took a Shower and My Mom Said She Didn't Understand My Blog

I'm not sure exactly what it was mom was confused about. Maybe it's because often I jump from one hyperlink to another in a single sentence. She remembers the days of my short stories, poetry, and high-calibre work on the elementary school newspaper I founded, The Fifth Grade Register.

I'd get her on the phone and ask her to clarify the statement, but she'll come right back at me with "Why? You're going to put this on your blog, AREN'T YOU??" Moms are shrewd like that.

Thanks, mom, for going to Orange County and getting my birth certificate for me so I can go with the family on the cruise to Jamaica.

And don't play this clip below, cuz it's Dominic Monaghan from LOST taking a shower. Or go ahead and watch. After all, I'm not YOUR mother!


...When Eighteen Year-Old Michael Sessions Became the Youngest Mayor in the Country

18-year-old high school student Michael Sessions quickly became an international icon after winning a write–in campaign over the 51-year-old incumbent, for mayor of the City of Hillsdale, Michigan.

What had been a quiet community of 8,230 quickly became a destination for reporters from throughout the world. Television crews from Mexico, Japan, and Russia along with national media were present at the swearing in of the youngest mayor in America, possibly the world. He appeared on I've Got a Secret in May.

City of Hillsdale Official Site, Michael Sessions, Mayor


...When I Spent Two Hours Photoshopping a Pic of One Life to Live's Jean-Paul Lavoisier and I Actually Got Paid to Do It

Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo
Click Here for the naked shower salute to The Jeffersons theme song

Smokin' hot stud Colin Egglesfield is snagging almost as many clicks as every post about The Cleaning Hunk combined, with the help of a slamming hyperlink over at Tottyland. But PYT Jimmy McNichol still gets my heart pounding after all these years. Anyone know what he looks like today?

Shriltess World Cup Studs at Lone Star Verve

From D-Listed, Matthew McConaughey had better lay off the McMilkyWays!

Martha Wash sings "It's Raining Men" on I've Got a Secret. To see the post with the actual gameplay and the unforgettable response by Jermaine Taylor, click here or just scroll down past the shirtless Colin pics and The Little House on the Prairie fire.

The New York State Supreme Court ruled earlier today that gays can not wed in New York.

If you're in New York, or can forward this bulletin to friends in New York, please join to protest this decision.

It will take place on the site of the historic Stonewall Riots.

New York City
Start time: 6:00 PM
Location: Sheridan Square (Christopher Street and 7th Avenue, Manhattan), site of the historical Stonewall uprising
Rain location: LGBT Community Center, 208 West 13th Street

PS - Sorry Jean-Paul, but a buck's a buck!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006 

...When Colin Egglesfield and Justin Bruening Can't Keep Their Hands Off Each Other

While many blogs will throw up pics of a hot body for no reason other than a shameless bid to increase visitor time and return hits on their stat reports, I believe that the display of the human physique, though beautiful in itself, really should only be done if an angle of cultural enrichment can be found within.

Therefore, please enjoy these new screen caps of All My Children's finely-tuned Justin Bruening and Colin Egglesfield sweating it up yet again, this time at the Pine Valley Yacht Club, followed by a picture of Dianne Weist, who has won two Oscars, numerous awards for her work on stage, and is without a doubt a national treasure.


....When One Day a Year, More Than 5,000 Kids Will Accidentally Blow Off A FInger

Click Here to advance to the ForTheBoys TV demo

YouTube Link

Saturday, July 01, 2006 

...When The Blind School Burned Down and I Had Nightmares for Months

Stuck at home with a sore throat that's keeping me from sleeping, I was tooling around the dial and came across a Michael Landon marathon on TV Land the other night. I was not a regular watcher of Little House on the Prairie when I was a little kid (I'm lying, I totally was), but everyone my age remembers this episode called "May We Make Them Proud," which was the talk of the playground the day after it originally aried.

Yes, everyone in their mid-thirties. I'm talking about the blind school fire.

Generally, this show was a sweet, old-fashioned confection, always topped off at the end with a lovely Landon-ized moral, most often something along the lines of "it's not nice to make fun of fat kids," "it's not nice to make fun of stuttering kids," "don't cheat on your math test," "it's not nice to make fun of kids with one leg seven inches shorter than the other," "progress is bad bad bad!," or "never hide in an ice house that has a trick lock on the outside."

But every so often, Landon would slap us viewing sheep upside the head with some perectly repugnant horror story, like a little girl getting raped by a mask-donning psycho, morphine addicts blowing chunks on camera, ma going crazy and trying to gnaw off her own leg, or parents rolling off a fifty foot cliff and crashing into a ravine as their newly orphaned kids wept in the panic of total abandonment.

Also, on occasion, one of the Ingalls kids would get shot in the head, suffer a stroke, get mauled by a pack of wild dogs, or drown in the local lake.

But all of those pale in comparison to the infamous blind school fire.

Television wasn't promoted to the extent it is now, where you're pretty much told all week long what to expect on the next episode. So kids in the seventies would plunk themselves down to watch their favorite shows, bowl of chocolate chip ice cream in hand, expecting nothing more than the ultimately upbeat Little House morality plays they were used to seeing, week after week.

Then this crazy shit goes down, and none of them slept for the next month.

Let's take a frame-by-frame look at the scariest-ass piece of 80's television this side of Gary Coleman getting his cornhole fingered by Gordon Jump On Diff'rent Strokes.

Butt-Ugly Ingalls Foster Child and Anonymous Day Player are toking up in the basement of the blind school. Okay, so far the episode is shaping up to be nothing more than a cautionary tale on the dangers of tobacco and disobeying ma and pa.

Several minutes later - oops! Okay, but everyone will make it out safely and it will be like that episode of Happy Days where Chachi accidentally burns down Arnolds. A cautionary tale on fire safety and owning up to one's mistakes. After all, this is family hour television. Nice production work, though.

Adam: "Mary, the blind school is on fire. We need to save all the blind orphans."
Mary: "Okay, let me just tuck in my baby. He rolled over for the first time tonight. I wish one of us had vision."

Mary: "Be sure to grab the backgammon set. It's worth five dollars."

Good-hearted long-standing third-string character Alice Garvey hears crying and busts into the room to get the baby. Oh, thank god. All will be saved, and this will be a cautionary tale on rescuing crying babies from fires, or something like that.

Finding it difficult to make an exit down the burning staircase, Alice heads for the upstairs window and uses Baby Ingalls as a battering ram. But apparently a single pane of 1870's glass proves too much for her, and she and the baby go down in flames accompanied by a distrubing amount of screams. Meanwhile, blind Mary and Adam and all the blind orphans sit outside and watch... well, not so much watch as point their faces in what they hope to be the general direction of the conflagration, proving that while stutterers, hobblers, and fat-asses can still make positive contributions, blind people are basically useless drains on pioneer society.

Okay, what the fuck is going on here? Is this Little House or an Irwin Allen disaster flick? I signed up for an hour of light-hearted wilderness merrymaking. Where's the lovable drunken frump Mr. Edwards? Where's that half-witted gork Carrie? Why couldn't she get torched? Where's the prairie bitch? Where's Manly? Where's Half Pint for god's sake?

Charles goes dead-baby hunting and hey! He comes up a winner. Another Ingalls kid bites the dust, but at least the horses will eat tonight.

As the camera winds through the smokey wreckage, nine year old Gary Green is torn. Do I run out of the room and admit to my parents I'm being terrified by an epsiode of fucking Little House and need a re-assuring hug, or do I suck it up? My trust in television has been irrevocably shaken. What's next? Jennifer Hart getting anally raped by a hot hair iron? Captian Stubing gutted like a salmon by guest star Barbi Benton?

Poor actress playing Alice Garvey asked Heir Landon for a pay raise, and now she's been Fajita-fied right off the show. Husband and son gawk at wrapped up body. The way this episode was going, why bother with a sheet? Why not just show the two of them hugging and kissing Alice's steaming, roasted loins? Instead, husband curses god and asks for directions to the neareat pine box outlet store.

Baboon-faced Ingalls Foster Fuck overhears the fire was caused by a pipe in the basement.

Mary wakes up from a ten day morphine-induced praire nap, "Oh, I'm so refreshed! You know, I'm so fortunate. I've survived scarlet fever. I've lost my vision, but I can still look on the sunny side of life. Hey... where's my baby?"

"Uh, Mary, sit down. I have some news. I hope you take this well."

Unfortunately, Mary does not take it well. Jesus Christ! Am I actually seeing the slit-open wrists of Melissa Sue Anderson? Is that Ingalls blood spilling down the facade of Nellie's family restaurant? That definitely won't be good for business.

Mary ends up going bananas. Blind and bananas. Good thing she's already landed a man.

At least we get to see Prairie Bitch for a moment. She's a hoot! And no amount of tragedy will keep her from donning that oversized donkey bow.

Yay, though I walk through the shadow of death, yadda yadda yadda. I hope the Ingalls' get a family rate at that cemetery.

Then suddenly it's just over. I've soiled my pj's, and I get abruplty smacked out of it with the traditional end credits, snappy upbeat music, and Melissa Gilbert skipping through the fields and pretending she's a bird? Hasn't she heard the news? Is she just in denial?

Of course the biggest question of all is, do I have ANYTHING better to be doing on a Saturday afternoon than create this post? Couldn't I be reading a book? Getting some fresh air and exercise? Hey wait, aren't I currently unemployed?

Well, I suspect that other people out there were as disturbed by this episode as I was back in the day. This is a way for all of us to come together and share our grief, take comfort in one another's bosoms. Fajita Alice Garvey and Bar-B-Que'd Baby Ingalls would have wanted it that way.

What's in THE BOX?? (13 secs)
Find out by clikcing below! If you like what you see, click the ad at the end and send thirty cents into the pocket of my boyfriend, Michael Granberry, and his one-man animation company, Red Hatchet Films! Enjoy! (needs Quicktime)

Recent Posts: Weather Girl Martha Wash on "I've Got a Secret!"! The Show Your Mother Warned You About

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