Gary Green

Thursday, April 27, 2006 

...When I Pulled All the Cheese Out of My Trader Joe's Low Carb Sandwich and the Resulting Flavor Did Not Sadden Me

From Boing Boing - "I just scored Bossa Disney Nova, a Japanese CD of legendary Brazilian bossa nova artists performing groovy, loose interpretations of Disney classics. It's completely enchanting: with performances like the Jota Morales Group's "Parada Eletrônica na Rua Principal" (Main Street Electrical Parade) and especially the demented DJ 524's Incredible Samba Band mix "Mickey Mouse Club Samba" you can't miss. It's just genius." Link

Soviet Underground Submarine Base - Until the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 Balaklava was one of the most secret towns in Russia. 10km south east of Sevastopol on the Black Sea Coast, this small town was the home to a Nuclear Submarine Base.

Almost the entire population of Balaklava at the time worked at the Base, even family members could not visit the town of Balaklava without good reason and identification.

The base remained operational after the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 until 1993 when the decommissioning process started and the warheads and low yield torpedos were removed. Then in 1996 the last Russian Submarine left the Base, and now you can go on Guided tours round the Cannel System, Base and small Museum, which is now housed in the old weapons stowage hangers deep inside the hillside. (Via Cynical C)

Let's all clap hands for the doll doctor. Or let's all cup our hands and throw up into them. Doll Surgery

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 

...When Season 12 of Dallas Continues to Drag Along (J.R. is in Marriage Counseling?)

Meet ZeFrank. One of his valves is a little tighter than it should be, but I think I'll keep him anyways. The Show with ZeFrank via Cynical


...When My Day's Obsession with Bananarama Continues

Here's a fun mini-doc on the making of Bananarama's "Venus." Take a couple of mylar balloons, some false eyelashes, several oiled-up hunks in shredded loincloths, toss in three British chicks who can't dance and may or may not be able to sing, and a classic music video is born!



...When Bananarama's "More Than Physical" was the Naughtiest Thing on MTV

I will always remember when this video first hit MTV. Bananrama had just scored a number one single in the United States with "Venus" and were as hot as they were ever going to be outside of England. Every weekday at 3 in the afternoon, MTV would count down the top ten requested videos of the day, based on viewer call-ins to 1-900-DIAL-MTV. No TRL, no studio with screaming kids, no Lindsay Lohan surprise visits. Just Martha Quinn talking to the camera, usually sporting some kind of beret or flourescent suspenders.

Throughout the hour, Martha would tease that day's world premiere video, which always followd at four o'clock on the dot. I wasn't completely sold on the notion that I was gay yet, but when this video hit my screen, not only did I decide that men were for me, I also decided I wanted to become the fourth member of Bananrama. They were always being so naughty and delighting themselves, while objectifying dancing shritless men.

But there's another reason I like this video and that's because of the director, Peter Care. Care directed "Drive" by The Cars, one of the first videos ever aired on MTV. He's also responsible for REM's "Man on the Moon," "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" and "What's the Frequency, Kenneth." His eighties music-video work is pretty easy to spot - multi-layered images running slightly out of sync, color filters, rapid-fire editing, and of course, making it look like Bananrama can dance where they're pretty much not moving at all. Care directed several episodes of "Six Feet Under" and the Jodie Foster movie "Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys," but not much else as far as I've found. But the minute I need a music video of my own, he's the man I'm hiring, after I hire the shirtless men who will dance around me.

Monday, April 24, 2006 

Response to Jeff Whitty's Open Letter to Jay Leno

What follows is "An Open Letter to Jay Leno," written by Avenue Q creator Jeff Whitty, and posted yesterday at, and since picked up by several other blogs I read daily. Following Whitty's letter is my response, which I sent to him and to with a request for publication:

Dear Mr. Leno,

My name is Jeff Whitty. I live in New York City. I'm a playwright and the author of Avenue Q, which is a musical currently running on Broadway. I've been watching your show a bit, and I'd like to make an observation:

When you think of gay people, it's funny. They're funny folks. They wear leather. They like Judy Garland. They like disco music. They're sort of like Stepin Fetchit as channeled by Richard Simmons. Gay people, to you, are great material.

Mr. Leno, let me share with you my view of gay people:

When I think of gay people, I think of the gay news anchor who took a tire iron to the head several times when he was vacationing in St. Martin. I think of my friend who was visiting Hamburger Mary's, a gay restaurant in Las Vegas, when a bigot threw a smoke bomb filled with toxic chemicals into the restaurant, leaving the staff and gay clientele coughing, puking, and running in terror. I think of visiting my gay friends at their house in the country, sitting outside for dinner, and hearing, within hundreds of feet of where we sat, taunting voices yelling "Faggots!" I think of hugging my boyfriend goodbye for the day on 8th Avenue in Manhattan and being mocked and taunted by passing high school students.

When I think of gay people, I think of suicide. I think of a countless list of people who took their own lives because the world was so toxically hostile to them. Because of the deathly climate of the closet, we will never be able to count them. You think gay people are great material. I think of a silent holocaust that continues to this day. I think of a silent holocaust that is perpetuated by people like you, who seek to minimize us and make fun of us and who I suspect really, fundamentally wish we would just go away.

When I think of gay people, I think of a brave group that has made tremendous contributions to society, in arts, letters, science, philosophy, and politics. I think of some of the most hilarious people I know. I think of a group that has served as a cultural guardian for an ungrateful and ignorant America.

I think of a group of people who have undergone a brave act of inventing themselves. Every single out-of-the-closet gay person has had to say, "I am not part of mainstream society." Mr. Leno, that takes bigger balls than stepping out in front of TV-watching America every night. I daresay I suspect it takes bigger balls to come out of the closet than anything you have ever done in your life.

I know you know gay people, Mr. Leno. Are they just jokes to you, to be snickered at behind their backs? Despite the angry tenor of my letter, I suspect you're a better man than that. I don't bother writing letters to the "God Hates Fags" people, or Donald Wildmon, or the pope. But I think you can do better. I know it's The Tonight Show, not a White House press conference, but you reach a lot of people.

I caught your show when you had a tired mockery of Brokeback Mountain, involving something about a horse done up in what you consider a "gay" way. Man, that's dated. I turned the television off and felt pretty fucking depressed. And now I understand your gay-baiting jokes have continued.

Mr. Leno, I have a sense of humor. It's my livelihood. And being gay has many hilarious aspects to it—none of which, I suspect, you understand. I'm tired of people like you. When I think of gay people, I think of centuries of suffering. I think of really, really good people who've been gravely mistreated for a long time now.

You've got to cut it out, Jay.


Jeff Whitty

New York, N.Y.

Dear Mr. Whitty,

My name is Gary Green. I am a thirty-five year old television producer in Los Angeles, and a gay man. I have not seen your play, Avenue Q, but I have heard unanimously positive reviews from friends and relatives. You have been complimented by people in my world for your wit, sophistication, and thoughtfulness. I was therefore unpleasantly surprised to discover that your “Open Letter to Jay Leno” regarding the gay jokes in his monologues, displayed absolutely none of these traits.

In choosing to share your impressions of gay people, rather than pointing to celebrations of diversity and courage to be one’s own self, you immediately rushed to terrifying incidents of gay bashing, acts of intolerance, isolationism, and “centuries of suffering.” Your statement, “When I think of gay people, I think of suicide,” is one of the most insensitive remarks I have ever read.

Mister Whitty, when I think of gay people, the idea of suicide is far from my first thought. All kinds of people feel tortured for their differences, especially if those differences are exploited by larger social groups. I have never attempted to take my own life, but I know two people who have. Both of them were heterosexual.

When, six paragraphs into your letter, you finally attempt to highlight positive aspects of the gay world, you refer to gay people as “a cultural guardian for an ungrateful and ignorant America.” What exactly is this implying? Culture would disappear entirely in this society were it not for gay people? Only gay people who see your show are sophisticated enough to appreciate it?

You conclude that every out-of-the-closet gay person has had to make the realization that they are “not part of the mainstream society.” Mister Whitty, where exactly do you live? I became a part of the mainstream society the very second I realized that’s exactly what I already was. It’s a decision owned by every individual. It does take work to accept one’s self, but I am there, and millions of gay people in this world are there with me. If we are still supposed to think of ourselves as outsiders, please educate us.

Your call to arms against Jay Leno is laughable. Jay Leno is not looking to incite violence. Jay Leno does not back up his jokes with persuasive arguments to change thought. He’s an act, and not a very deep one at that.

Comedy is a matter of taste. Comedy is pain plus truth. Mister Whitty, don’t you realize that in comedy, some group or individual is always singled out to serve as the punch line? I enjoy occasionally being that “someone.” I laugh so often at the rest of the world, it deserves the right to zing me once in a while.

Jay Leno is probably the easiest target you could have picked. If you’re looking to take a well-known person to task, I suggest you re-aim your sights at former actor Kirk Cameron, who actively preaches against homosexuality and for conversion. You can visit his website, for more information.

And as a final suggestion, you may want to check out “I’ve Got a Secret,” on GSN, featuring four very-out panelists and a single straight host. You’ll see more gay jokes in thirty minutes than you will in an entire week of Leno. Yes, I’m one of the show’s producers so this could be seen as a shameless plug, but it’s also relevant to my argument. You see, “I’ve Got a Secret” airs at 11:30pm, exactly opposite “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.” Maybe if you were to change the channel, enjoy yourself, and become a regular viewer, it could solve both our problems.

I look forward to a response.


Gary Green


...When The Current Contestant on Match Game Needs One to Tie, and Two to Win

Look! It's the next generation in iPod technology. And you know what else? It's imaginary and STILL everyone in the world will have one before I do!

Television that FORCES you to watch the commercials? Get ready-- it's coming. Philips has the patent. Favorite part of the article - "Philips acknowledged, however, that the anti-channel changing technology might not sit well with consumers and suggested in its patent filing that consumers be allowed to avoid the feature if they paid broadcasters a fee.". See, there's some good news!



... also known as the BEST DAY EVER! - Ben and Jerry's Official Site

Family heirloom turns out to be 90 year old mummified baby. Mark Burnett signs it to holding deal. Pic here via

Human head found in Key West! Mark Burnett signs it to holding deal. No Pic here

Dog bites off man's nose. Mark Burnett puts garnish around it and serves it to latest band of Survivors. If only there were a pic here


...How Much You Mind That It's Monday Morning...

Tim Devine is in law enforcement in New Jersey, and an avid photographer. His blog Tim Devine's Disney Photo Blog is a fantastic collection of images from the Disney parks, some of the best I've ever seen, and certainly on par with the professionally-shot images Disney uses for their own postcards. They really ought to think about hiring this guy. His work captrues all the color and imagination of the park designers, without a single hint of the commercial blitz that's swept through so much of the Disney properties. Here you will see not a Pooh plush kiosk in site, but instead pages of dazzling reminders of why the Disney parks deserve every penny we pay for admission. His link is on my blog roll, and you can also click to it here.. Below are some of my favorite pictures, re-posted with Tim's permision.

Sunday, April 23, 2006 

...When I Overslept a Little (Four Hours)

Ben Affleck whores it up in an overseas commercial for Loreal. Still think he's kinda hot, and hating myself for it. - YouTube via Fark

Jaws in thirty seconds, and re-enacted by bunnies. Fun! Created and produced by Jennifer Shiman

Ron Mueck (born 1958) is an Australian hyper-realist sculptor working in Great Britain.
Mueck's early career was as a model maker and puppeteer for children's television and films, notably the film Labyrinth for which he also contributed the voice of Ludo. He moved on to establish his own company in London, making photo-realistic props and animatronics for the advertising industry. Although highly detailed, these props were usually designed to be photographed from one specific angle hiding the mess of construction seen from the other side. Mueck increasingly wanted to produce realistic sculptures which looked perfect from all angles.

In 1996 Mueck transitioned to fine art collaborating with his mother-in-law, Paula Rego, to produce small figure as part of a tableau she was showing at the Hayward Gallery. Rego introduced him to Charles Saatchi who was immediately impressed and started to collect and commission work. This led to the piece which made Mueck's name, Dead Dad, being included in the Sensation show at the Royal Academy the following year. Dead Dad is a rather haunting silicone and mixed media sculpture of the corpse of Mueck's father reduced to about two thirds of its natural scale. It is the only work of Mueck's that uses his own hair for the finished product! Here's a link to some of his amazing, creepily-realistic work

Saturday, April 22, 2006 

...When I Really Ought to be Asleep

Who were the guys who perpetrated the hoax that tagged the words STILL FREE on the side of Air Force One and freaked out the Secret Service? Click here to find out

Check out the impossibly hot Lucas Kerr, who isn't as hot as Michael - Lucas Kerr


...When A Star Blew it BIG TIME on PYRAMID

In April of 1986, Tom Poston and his contestant had a brand new record in the Winner's Circle! But they did not beat out Billy Crystal's fastest time. So what happened? Take a look for yourself, and see why Tom was probably never invited back to play again. And I love it when the contestant says, "I'm doing TERRIBLE!"


...When I Found My First Favorite Match Game Moment on YouTube

Match Game host Gene Rayburn introduces contestant Karen Lesko and intends to complement on her smile and her dimples. However, a freudian slip comes out of his mouth. Alas, its typical Match Game antics.


...When I Found My Second Favorite Match Game Moment on YouTube

As Match Game host Gene Rayburn is going through the panel of stars, the common matched word seems to be "boobs." Well, as Gene asks panelist Fannie Flagg to show us her answer, the timing comes out wrong, and the results are funny.

Friday, April 21, 2006 

...When I Can't Decide... To Dominos or Not to Dominos (Michael, Where Are You When I Need You??)

On Sunday, April 2, 2006 the USC student vice president traveled to Washington, DC to voice students' concerns to members of Congress. On Monday, April 3, members of the Student Senate purchased $80 worth of balloons. What you are about to see may be disturbing to people without a sense of humor. Spaz boy is destined to end up in the bell tower with a rifle - Look At Me Being Serious

On this day a rare February Rainbow was seen here in Northern Missouri at sunset. This rainbow was visible over much of the area and was noticed by many people. It was seen as a partial bow in some areas and completely full and even double in others depending on where the rain was falling. The photos on this page were taken at the Elam Bend Conservation Area near McFall, Missouri. - Missourri Skies via

AOL reveals plans to build its own social-networking site already being referred to as the "MySpace Killer" -

At one point, the THX sound was being played 4,000 times a day at cinemas around the world (that's once every 20 seconds). Here's all you need to know about the creation of the theme -


...When Loud Talkers Are Moments Away From Me Accidentally Spilling My Coffee on Them at Starbucks

Man has sex with woman. Man gets up to go to the bathroom. Man gets confused on the way back and walks through wrong door. Wrong door leads to bedroom of woman's roommate. Man gets into bed with roommate and initiates sex. Woman responds because the room is dark and she thinks it's her boyfriend. Rape accusation ensues. The Daily Telegraph leaves out the part where Niles declares his love for Daphne and someone mistakes Frasier for a homosexual. Via

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Launching the Bush Administration's campaign to require government label warnings on websites with sexually explicit content (but not limited to child pornography) ...Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Thursday issued what he termed a "wake-up call" to the growing problems of pedophiles prowling the Internet and online images of sexual abuse of children. Gonzales described the depravity and horror of criminal acts against children in unusually graphic detail, while fellow cabinet members quietly inserted their hands in their pants pockets and imagined Haley Joel Osment doing sit-ups in his bikini briefs. Scare Tactics via CNN

Nick Lachey is talking. And the only reason we're reading is because the shirt's off. Rolling Stone

Thursday, April 20, 2006 

...When Alex Mooney Broke Pencils With His Ass

From I've Got a Secret, originally airing on GSN, Monday, April 17, 2006
Bil Dwyer: Our next guest is from right here in Los Angeles, California. Please welcome Alex Mooney!

Bil: How are you?
Alex Mooney: Good Bill, how you doing?
Bil: You just moved here from Cleveland?
Alex Mooney: That's right. Cleveland, Ohio.

Bil: Alex, please whisper your secret into my ear and we'll show it to the viewers at home.

Bil: Um, hey panel, I'll give you a clue. Alex has an extremely unique physical talent. And Frank Decaro, we'll start with you.

Frank: Hi Alex! I hear you have a unique physical talent.
Alex Mooney: That's right.
Frank: Is your talent sexual in nature, I hope I hope I hope I hope!
Alex Mooney: No
Frank: No? Well then who cares?

Frank: Does it have to do with being limber?
Alex Mooney: No.
Frank: Is it a feat of strength or something?
Alex Mooney: Yes.
Frank: Strength or endurance?
Alex Mooney: Both.
Frank: Do you lift something?
Alex Mooney: No.
Frank: Are things put on top of you?
Alex Mooney: No.

Frank: Are things put in a... spot?
Frank: Oh thank merciful heavens!
Bil: Billy Bean, over to you.

Billy: So, we have a physical talent. Obviously you use your body to do this. Do you use your hands?
Alex Mooney: Yes.
Billy: Are you consuming anything?
Alex Mooney: No.
Billy: And you're not lifting anything. Do you make a noise with this talent?

Bil: I tell you I'd sure make a noise! Holy Moly!
BUZZER - Over to Jermaine Taylor

Jermaine: So you do this with your body. Do you do this with your teeth?
Alex Mooney: No.
Jermaine: Your nose?
Alex Mooney: No.
Jermaine: Your head?
Alex Mooney: No.

Jermaine: Are you being destructive in some sort of nature?
Alex Mooney: Yes.
Jermaine: Are you breaking something?
Alex Mooney: Yes.
Jermaine: You're beaking something!
Alex Mooney: I'm breaking soemthing!
Jermaine: Okay, so you're breaking something with your body, some unusual part of your body...

Jermaine: Are you breaking something with your boom-boom?
Alex Mooney: Yes!

Jermaine: So I have to guess what it is you break with your boom-booM? 'Cuz I can break a lot of things with my boom-boom!
Alex Mooney: I break a lot of hearts.
Bil: Suzanne...

Suzanne: I have to guess what he breaks with his butt.
Bil: Yes you do.
Suzanne: My mom is so proud right now... is it something made of paper?
Alex Mooney: No
Suzanne: Plastic?
Alex Mooney: No.
Suzanne: Metal? That'd hurt!
Alex Mooney: No

Suzanne: Is it cement or brick?
Alex Mooney: No.
Suzanne: Are you breaking something like a walnut with your butt?
Alex Mooney: No.
Suzanne: Something that we could eat? Well, not right after, I'm thinking. Are you breaking something living? I mean like a tree or a plant.
Alex Mooney: No
Bil: Alex, go ahead and reveal your secret to the panel.
Alex Mooney: I can break pencils with my butt cheeks.

Bil: Now you figured out he was breaking something with his butt cheeks, but we're still gonna give it to him.
Jermaine: How did this come about?
Alex Mooney: When I was fifteen years old, my other brother Dave... we were watching tv, and some lady was bending spoons with her buttocks.
Bil: Go no further. We got it!

Jermaine: So you have a really tight ass it seems.

Frank: Jermaine, he said he could break pencils with his ass, not sharpen them.

Bil: Alright, here's our greatest moment ever. Alex, are you ready to show us how you break pencils?
Alex Mooney: I'm ready.
Bil: With your butt?
Alex Mooney: I'm ready.
Bil: He wore leggings. For tv. Wore some leggings.

Bil: A man's gotta prepare!
Jermaine: Oh my god! Is your mom watching this?
Bil: Here we go! Here we go!

Bil: How about three? Three pencils! I'm worried about splinters. I should have goggles on.
Bil: One... two...
Jermaine: You can do it!
Frank: Don't worry. If you hurt yourself we'll kiss it and make it better!

Bil: Three!

Bil: You okay?
Alex Mooney: I'm good!
Bil: Thanks to Alex for being here. We'll see you next time on I've Got a Secret!

Watch I've Got a Secret... weeknights at 11:30 PM following Match Game on GSN!


...When UPS Can't Find Me So I Have to Drive Downtown to Pick Up My DSL Installation Kit

Dog gets head stuck in pipe. This happened to me once when I was trying to get to the resin.

In a surpirsing turn of events, throwing tampons at Bob Saget while on stage makes him neither funnier nor pleased. The Daily Northwestern via


...When Michael Left for Georgia for Five Whole Days

From Towleroad comes this footage which may or not be from MEG, the new megaladon movie coming from New Line Cinema. I showed the footage to Michael, animator extraordinaire, and he was duly impressed. You will be too when you watch the video by clicking here, from the Flowline website.. And a quick blurb on the video's origins can be found here.

You can't be my age and not remember Dragon's Lair, the cartoon video game which was the first to take -- wait for it -- TWO QUARTERS instead of one in order to play. I must have fed hundreds of dollars into my local machine down at Bourbon Street Liquor in Santa Ana. I used to invite my friends over on Saturday and have my mom drive us there so we could spend the whole day trying to master it.

Unlike most of the other popular arcade machines at the time, you could actually WIN this game. Of course, I always thought that if you did, you should at least get your fifty cents back, but instead, the final screen would freeze for several seconds with some sort of congratulatory remark and then simply reset for the next dumb kid.

It was my mission in life to conquer this game and make it my bitch, but I was never able to win, despite buying all the magazines and books revealing the joystick moves required. Yet another notch of my failure belt. Nevertheless when I saw Militant Platypus had a link to the original game in its entire run-through I realized as I watched it, I could pretend I was actually playing it and claim victory for myself at last.

You may think it's silly of me to be holding on to such an infantile and simplistic dream, but you're reading the blog of a man who does victory laps around the house whenever he manages to purchase Boardwalk.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 

Who is The Mystery Star Making a Guest Appearance with Melissa?

It's the Original (and to me, THE ONLY) Batman... TV Legend Adam West!

Adam was the mystery guest on the first episode of I've Got a Secret, which aired on Monday, April 17th.

Bil Dwyer: You know, Adam, we all remember you as Batman, and we've always wondered... why didn't the villains just SHOOT you? Anyway, thanks for being here. Will you please whisper you secret into my ear and at the same time we'll show it to the villains at home.

Alright, panel. Adam has altered his body in a unique way. We'll start the questioning with comedienne, Suzanne Westenhoeffer.

Suzanne: Does it have anything to do with Batman?
Adam West: Yes
Suzanne: Is it something that someone put on you like a tattoo or a piercing?
Bil: Suzanne, that's like nine questions.
Adam West: Can I answer them all?
Bil: By all means.
Adam West: Yes.
Suzanne: And did you have someone do it to you.
Adam West: Yes
Suzanne: That's what I'm talking about!
BUZZER. Time is up. On to pop culture fanatic Frank Decaro.

Frank: Mr. West, it's a thrill to meet you.
Suzanne: Frank is quivering. Quivering!
Frank: Now, is this a tattoo we're talking about, Mr. West?
Adam West: No.

Frank: Have you been bat-pierced?
Adam West: No

Frank: Did it hurt when you had it done?
Adam West: No.
Bil: Of course it didn't hurt. He's Batman!
Frank: Was it above the waist?
Adam West: Let me check. No.
BUZZ - On to major league baseball star, Billy Bean.

Billy: Okay, so, it wasn't an injury sustained as a result of the show?
Adam West: No

Billy: So it was something you did by choice?
Adam West: No
Billy: Was it health related?
Adam West: No.
Billy: Was it cosmetic?

Adam West: What do you think, Bil?
Bil: I would say yes, it's thought of as cosmetic.
Billy: Can people see it with your clothes on?

Adam: What?
Billy: With your clothing on can people see this change?
Adam: Yes, if they really try, I suppose.
BUZZER. Billy, your time is up. Over to Jermaine Taylor

Jermaine: Hi, Mr. West.
Adam West: Hello Jermaine!
Jermaine: Alright, is it a drawing of some sort?
Adam West: Somewhat.

Jermaine: Is it something like... did you have something... are you branded maybe?
Adam West: Yes
Jermaine: Does it symbolize anything?
Adam West: Yes.

Jermaine: So it's a symbol. It symbolizes something.
Bil: I think it symbolizes purity and goodness and power.
Adam West: Oh boy yes!
BUZZER - Panel, you have been stumped. Adam, why don't you reveal your secret to the panel.
Adam West: Well, my secret is... that I went to a very playful dentist who was a friend of mine and I had a crown put in. And what he did was he talked to the lab guy, and the lab guy made a porcelain bat and put it right here...

Bil: There you go. No one gets closer to Adam West than I've Got a Secret. Adam thank you so much for being here.
Adam West: Anytime. Anytime!

Watch I've Got a Secret... weeknights at 11:30 PM following Match Game on GSN!

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