Gary Green

Friday, March 31, 2006 

What Does This Contestant Have That YOU DONT??

Watch I've Got a Secret... beginning Monday April 17 at 11:30 PM following Match Game and find out!


...When Julie Ripped the Back of Her Pants at Work

Hee hee! It just happened. She doesn't know I'm typing this. She's such a sweetie. And she's got a cute boom-boom too. When she ripped her pants, I saw it a little!


...When I'm Pretending to Work Hard and Suspecting Others are Doing the Same

Some scary footage of an underground atomic explosion, made slightly less sacry by the ridiculous Over-the-Top John Williams-esque score accompanying it. Via Militant Platypus

Check out these great classic board game boxes from The only one I remember having is the Barnabas Collins game, which I picked up at a rummage sale for a dollar and never opened. Of note is The Kennedys board game. What exactly was the objective and why would kids want to play it? More research is clearly necessary. Via Cynical C

When Julie first told me that the coach fired for appearing in gay porn (via Towleroad) was from Mater Dei High School, I freaked. That's were I WENT to high school. Turns out there's more than one Mater Dei High School in the county - this one's in Illinois (I blame my ego-centricity on my Catholic upbringing). Nevertheless, my high school has had its share of scandals. Read all about my de-frocked principal, the music teacher who got a student pregnant, along with the requisite cover-ups and denials. Oh, and in the spirit of fair play, if you'd like to make a contribution to the school, you can do that here!

Sunday, March 26, 2006 

...When Michael Drunkenly Put the Eggs in the Freezer and We Couldn't Find Them the Next Morning

In all fairness, who hasn't made a bonehead move like this in an inebriated moment? And I could just easily blog about my own similar embarrassments with headlines like "...When Gary Drunkenly Put His Wallet in the Oven for Safekeeping," or "...When Gary Drunkenly Tried to Fix a Cabinet and Glued Three of his Fingers Together" or "...When Gary Drunkenly Ordered a Pizza and Forgot About Until Two Days Later When He Found it Under the Bed." Yes, I could talk about all those things, but it's just so much more satisfying to laugh at Michael. Besides, I had to go to work without breakfast!


...When Julie in My Office Revealed She Had No Idea Who Shot JR

Julie is a bright, capable young woman. I think she's 24 or so. She has a big future in television production, but she doesn't know who Larry Hagman is, she has never watched an episode of Dallas in her life, and when you mention the phrase "Who Shot JR?" to her, she tilts her head like a baffled golden retriever. Thank God she met me, a grown man who longs for the day he meets Linda Gray, watches six epsiodes a week on SoapNet, and keeps Dallas trading cards in his top drawer at work. This was the biggest event in television history, and the audience it drew will never be duplicated. Yes, more people watched the final episode of that yawn of a Korean War comedy, but that was a two-and-a-half hour ego fest, an episode five times its normal size. "Who Shot JR" was its regular 44 minutes, four acts, no special guest stars, no weepy good-byes, no gallant speeches, no psycho wig-pulling and apartment-exploding, and no naked Teri Hatcher running down the street with a giant ficus. It was just good, fun storytelling brought to a sleek well-honed climax. There was no intention to capture the fascination of the entire world. No calculation ahead of time. The producers, writers and actors simply knew what they were doing.

Somewhow, Julie being completely oblivous to the insane amount of global press that swarmed the country over this has brought back in full force all the memories of how much fun it was to be a part of it. My entire family watched, everyone in my fifth grade class watched. I even remember having a tooth filled by Dr. Croal and him stopping mid-way through the procedure to ask "So Gary, who do you think did it?" knowing he didn't need to be more specific for anyone to know what he was talking about.

TV addiction will never be so much fun again. Now, we can each watch pretty much anything we want anytime we want. But I can still feel the labors of getting through the week leading up to that epsiode, hearing about it everywhere I went, the fun of getting a call from my sister in law's family in Ohio, who got the show two hours earlier and refused to give up the identity of the culprit, and finally having my curiosity sated. Watching the episode now, it comes off rather tame and underwhelming compared to what producers can get away with these days. The people who worked on Dallas had a much tighter box to work within, and pulled off far more fun than anything on the air now. Julie, like everyone her age, just plain missed out.

"Who Shot JR" Re-lived on Ultimate Dallas

Listen to NPR Celebrate the 25th Anniversary of the Episode

Overseas coverage from BBC

Good to know I'm not the only blogger out there who loves to re-live all this madness - 80's Actual

And for those not in the know (there are more of you out there than I realize), here's the guilty party

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 

...When I'm Watching Today's Episode of AMC on Tivo

Meet Charles Martin, the knuckle-dragging son-of-a-bitch who blew apart a kid for messing around with his lawn and was deservingly idiotic enough to call 911 and confess the crime along with his measly justification. If that's not sad enough, the local news website makes you wade through a tacky casino ad before letting you hear the sad audio. Dickweeds via Fark

I have a weak password... no a VERY weak password. It's the same password I've used for years on every site which requires one. If you know anything about me, you'd probably be able to figure it out. Wanna see how secure your password is? Click here -- and unless it's something like F6#--*LT15, prepare to be hacked sometime soon. Via Cynical C

Another gem from My Darling Mister Barry of Hollywood.

Did he transcribe all this stuff himself?? Stan the Caddy has every Seinfeld script posted on his site! Read them all and you too can get yourself a job on network television. I think this is the only pre-req they have these days. Stan the Caddy via Cynical C

WOW! Do I want one of these TV sets. Michael Granberry, are you reading this? My birthday is OCTOBER 21!! Predicta Vintage TV Sets


What Guests Got a Good Firm Squeeze From Gary?

Watch I've Got a Secret... beginning Monday April 17 at 11:30 PM following Match Game and find out!


...When I Have A Belly Full of Trader Joe's Low-Carb Italian Sandwiches, Homemade Double Chocolate Cookies and Diet Coke

Cat Falls 80 Feet, Lives to Tell, Gets Offered Reality Show -Local 6 News via Fark

Spell Your Name with Naked People! - Militant Platypus


...When I Asked You to Visit

MICHAEL GRANBERRY is an artist/filmmaker living in Hollywood, California. Having grown up on a steady diet of fantasy, sci-fi and horror, it was inevitable that his artistic bent would lead him towards subject matter that might be considered contrary to the mainstream.

Unfilmable has the first stills from Michael's latest film, an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's From Beyond. You can also check out his work at his own site Red Hatchet, featuring stills from his delightfully diabolical film library, with site design by yours truly.


...When Mister Barry My Hairdresser Sent Me the Opening Titles to The Brady Brides

Wow! I watched all 6 episodes of this collapsing shack. Before the days of cannibalizing a successful show in order to make ten to twelve desperate spin-offs, Sherwood Schwartz actually had a good idea... well, it was at least an original idea... ok, maybe it wasn't that either, but it's stuck in my head for the last twenty-five years, so the man must know something. Anyway, I want to say that this show was actually an hour, but I can't imagine it would have been able to sustain my interest for that long... even at ten years old, I knew it sucked ass. So it must have been paired with another lousy NBC Friday sinking-ship sitcom,like Here's Boomer or Hello Larry! I'm already putting way too much thought and energy into this blog. Any tune that can work in a lyric like, "In the meantime along came Wally" pretty much sells itself. And don't make fun of my having a hairdresser. If you met Mister Barry, you'd know there's no other word for him.

June 2008 Updated - video deleted from YouTube for rights infringement

Friday, March 17, 2006 

Happy Birthday Sean!

Love MG, Lucy and the Selfish Bitch!

Thursday, March 16, 2006 

...When I Pushed Cliff Pickover's Red Button!!

Click Here to Enter... and Remember You Were Warned.


...When It's Three-Thirty And You're Trying to Divert Your Mind From the Need for The Homemade Cookies that Are Downstairs in the Editing Bay

Madonna's hung up... on Photoshop (Come on... we've all done it) - Faded Youth

Wild hogs in Florida usually run from 100-400 pounds with a 400 pounder being a monster. Because this one had been feasting on grain for several years it had grown to mamoth size. When Larry took it to the processor it weighed in at over 1100 pounds! It Ain't Ned Beatty

Create Your Own Face! This is Like Police Sketching for the Bored at Work and Reminds Me a Little of the "Identograph" scene James Bond and Q had in For Your Eyes Only - Ultimate Flash Face


...When Julie in My Office Fell in Love with the Cleaning Hunk

Olay. This is the LAST time I mention the Cleaning Hunk!

No really. I am totally over the Cleaning Hunk.

I certainly don't dream about the Cleaning Hunk in my sleep.

There's no reason why I would secretly be spending my days watching the Cleaning Hunk at my desk or trying to track down the tight-bodied model to see if he's making any upcoming trips to the west coast.

No, I can say with all the confidence in the world that I totally have the Cleaning Hunk out of my system.

But if Julie, the producer sitting at the next desk from me happens to have him on her computer all day, I certainly have no way of putting a halt to it.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 

...When A Contestant Showed Her Pink Panties After Winning Big on Match Game

The best of many great things about the 70's version of Match Game, aside from the glorious inebriated rivarly between Brett Sommers and Charles Nelson Reilly and the flawless, seemingly effortless hosting abilities of Gene Rayburn, hands down the best game show host ever -- was that anytime anything went wrong, instead of a re-take, the producers would just go with it, and the show was all the better for preserving the spontaneity. Modern-day producers take note! No level of planning can produce the uproarious response from the audience when the below took place.

Witness lovely blonde winner, going for five-thousand clams. Doesn't she look pretty and wholesome? The little dickens! Please pick the star you're hoping to match.

Um... oh caterpillars! This is hard. I think I'll pick Ann Elder!

Uh... Ann Who??? Makes no difference. Read on...

Okay, here we go. For $5,000, fill in the missing word. "_______ Hood"

Wow, oh my God... this is totally so hard. Hmmm. "Sweatshirt..." No. "Little Red Riding..." NO! I've got it. I'll say... ROBIN HOOD!

Oh fiddlesticks! I thought about saying Robin, honestly I did, but at the last minute I changed my mind...

...and said ROBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD! This is the most exciting thing to ever happen to me! And it's on NATIONAL TELEVISION! Everyone can see! Finally, I'm a winner! I'm a winner!

And then...

Oh dear...

Well, it looks like she was a good sport about it. And now at least she can afford a nice bell-bottom jump suit or some Dittos and maybe a nice corduroy purse.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 

...When You See The Cleaning Hunk on VH-1's Best Week Ever And You Remember That You Saw It Here First

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: The Cleaning Hunk

New York, New York: the city that never sleeps, a melting pot of art, culture and commerce, a place that can overcome monumental adversity. But there's a new reason to love the city and that's the local commercial for the Cleaning Hunk. Airing only in the tri-state area and only during daytime TV, Cleaning Hunk advertises a new contest offering women "a one year vacation from cleaning." Nobody is really sure why they're advertising, what the catch is or whether male-stripper house cleaners even exist, but who cares. The ad is pure Chippendale's gold. - via Best Week Ever Blog

Monday, March 13, 2006 

...When I'm So Bored at Work Even The Cleaning Hunk Makes Me Horny

Every site I investigate today in my search for new secrets is serving me up either porn, men with their shirts off, or Legos. I'm alternating between being horny and longing to build a mini police station. But mostly I just want to sleep.

I stayed up until one in the morning watching Match Game off Tivo and eating pickles because it was either that or frozen seabass. I was wishing that there were fishsticks in my freezer, and actually got up to check, even though I knew there were no fishsticks in there. I don't know why I did it. Possibly I was hoping that someone might have come over and put fishsticks in my freezer as a special treat... which leads me to the time my friend Steve was having his bone density checked and had to keep all his urine for a 24 hour period in little containers which had to be kept cold. So he kept them in one of those Igloo coolers with a digital thermometer stuck to the outside. He was embarrassed to tell me so when he came over to watch the two-headed Abbie and Britney Hentzel on the late-night replay of Oprah, he waited until I was in my bedroom and slipped the cooler into my refrigerator. Several hours and many bonghits later, I stumbled into the kitchen for water, opened the refrigerator, and immediately caught site of the red cooler which had been intentionally stashed waaaay in the back, hidden behind produce and eggs. Then I saw the digital numbers flashing on the side of it, and slowly backed away... tiptoed into the living room wide-eyed where Steve saw me. "What's wrong?" he asked. I swallowed hard and whispered... "I think someone put a bomb in my refrigerator." He laughed so hard he woke up my downstairs neighbor, Stan, the dockers-wearing Jew who came upstairs to grouse and play victim.

Steve still brings that incident up to mock me, but I say, if you DON'T immediately become suspect at an unidentified Igloo cooler with a digital time display on the outside and a quart of chilled urine inside, then the terrorists have won.

Brilliant Advertsing Move? I'd Say So...The Trouble Is I Can't Remember What the Hell the Product Is - The Cleaning Hunk via Towleroad

Sunday, March 12, 2006 

...When I Shelled Out Too Much Money for A Kodak Easy-Share Digital Camera and Started Taking Pictures of Things Right Away to Justify the Purchase

BEWARE OF BEST BUY! They will charge you 15% of the purchase price on any digital cameras you return. It's what they call a "re-stocking fee," and when I asked the overgrown knuckle-dragger at the return counter what exactly a "re-stocking fee" was he replied, "It's a 15% fee for re-stocking."

Hmm, thanks for that.

So I pushed with, "But what exactly does that mean?" Ug just looked at me as if I was asking him to piss into my mouth or escort me to the Renaissance Fair, "because when you open something... like a camera or a computer... you can use it and then bring it back." To that I said, "So it's to make up for the fact that the camera may or may not have been used?" and Ug said, "Yeah," so I said, "Does that mean the next person you sell that camera to gets 15% off and is told that it's re-stock?" Ug immediately dropped eye contact with me and starting looking anxiously around the store for a hero. Luckily for the man my boyfriend would politely refer to as a "morlock," I was too tired to stick him anymore with my poultry fork of reason. So I paid up, dumped my Fisher Price kiddie-cam, traded up to the Kodak, got rooked out of about thirty bucks, but left with my day's peace in tact. THE BEST PART is that all 5 of you who read my blog NOW get to see what my new camera can do...

The bookshelves in my living room, from the POV of me at my desk. If you click on the pic for a larger version and look closely, you can spot a Hitchcock Cameo.

The kitchen. Note that all the dishes are dirty with the exception of the martini glasses, which are always kept cleaned, stored, and ready to go.

I'm never goofing off for long before Z creeps out and lays the eyes of guilt upon my soul.


What Fabulous Black and White Superstars Had Their Asses Kissed by Gary On Production Day #6?

Watch I've Got a Secret... beginning Monday April 17 at 11:30 PM following Match Game and find out!

Saturday, March 11, 2006 

...While You're Lounging With the Chronic

We Thought About Contacting This Guy and Using Him on Secret... Then We Thought Better of it... Then We Reconsidered... Then Someone Came Into the Room and Smacked Us - Uh, Wow!

The Ten Worst SNL Players of All Time - and no Jim Belushi in sight?? The Phat Phree via Fark

Thursday, March 02, 2006 

Who is The Mystery Star Making a Guest Appearance with My Supervising Producer Melissa?

Watch I've Got a Secret... beginning Monday April 17 at 11:30 PM following Match Game and find out!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006 

...When You Find a Website You Swear Was Designed Specifically With You in Mind

Take a sturdy gander at this picture of a big-time Hollywood heavyweight. Having identification issues? Click here to find out who it is and see lots more pics!

This one's more Laura's speed. I'm old enough to be able to say I miss the old Vegas, but these pics sure are exciting to look at - Vegas Today and Tomorrow

Claire's baby on Lost whines just like my cat. I've got the show on in the background and every time Aaron lets out a wail, I shout, "Prowler shut up!" before I realize my mistake. Poor kitty must be baffled.


...When You're Just About Certain You're Smarter Than the Average Bear

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