I stayed up until one in the morning watching Match Game off Tivo and eating pickles because it was either that or frozen seabass. I was wishing that there were fishsticks in my freezer, and actually got up to check, even though I knew there were no fishsticks in there. I don't know why I did it. Possibly I was hoping that someone might have come over and put fishsticks in my freezer as a special treat... which leads me to the time my friend Steve was having his bone density checked and had to keep all his urine for a 24 hour period in little containers which had to be kept cold. So he kept them in one of those Igloo coolers with a digital thermometer stuck to the outside. He was embarrassed to tell me so when he came over to watch the two-headed Abbie and Britney Hentzel on the late-night replay of Oprah, he waited until I was in my bedroom and slipped the cooler into my refrigerator. Several hours and many bonghits later, I stumbled into the kitchen for water, opened the refrigerator, and immediately caught site of the red cooler which had been intentionally stashed waaaay in the back, hidden behind produce and eggs. Then I saw the digital numbers flashing on the side of it, and slowly backed away... tiptoed into the living room wide-eyed where Steve saw me. "What's wrong?" he asked. I swallowed hard and whispered... "I think someone put a bomb in my refrigerator." He laughed so hard he woke up my downstairs neighbor, Stan, the dockers-wearing Jew who came upstairs to grouse and play victim.

Steve still brings that incident up to mock me, but I say, if you DON'T immediately become suspect at an unidentified Igloo cooler with a digital time display on the outside and a quart of chilled urine inside, then the terrorists have won.